Tuesday, February 23, 2010

Sour worms and salty tears

Dear Bug,

I have a secret. Today, while you were taking a nap, your Daddy came home, and he brought me some sour worms. Not to rub it in or anything but you aren't allowed to eat sour worms yet anyway (no teeth, after all) so I didn't think you'd mind much. Turns out you must've felt a little left out, because you woke up just long enough to kick your arms and legs around and shoot one of your amazing grins at Daddy before I made you go back to sleep. You didn't even have a messy diaper. I know because I checked and there was no poop anywhere.

Anyway, Daddy brought me a treat because he knew I was crying. I was trying to be brave and all, but I just can't help it. Tomorrow I have to go back to work. It's taken a really long time to get to this point-- time that I've alternately cherished because the delays meant extra weeks with you, and fumed at because the stress meant I wasn't enjoying the time with you like I wanted to. But now here we are and it's here and that's why I needed the sour worms.

Our family is very blessed, Bug. Lots of little babies don't have both a mommy and a daddy, let alone a mommy and a daddy who are lucky enough to have good jobs. Plus, this new job will let me spend lots more time at home with you, and ensure that I can take you to the pool and the zoo, and that I never have to miss a doctor's appointment. I am so grateful. The first couple of days will be toughest while I learn what to do, but then I'll be able to plan my time the way I want to. Isn't that lucky?

But I'm still crying, Bug. Because sometimes there are other things that happen without a plan. You don't grow on a schedule, after all, and what if I miss it when you finally decide to roll over? Or what happens if you learn to crawl or take your first steps while I am away? I know Aunt Kimmi will take good care of you, but it's not the same and now here I am crying again without any more sour worms. (Daddy ate some of them.) It's not even the big things, Bug. You'll wake up from naps with your happy, cheek-splitting smile and you'll dazzle someone else with it. Someday you'll bonk your head or scrape your knee, and someone else will kiss it. Who will be there to kiss Mama's broken heart?

Don't worry though, Bug. We are going to make it. We are so very, very lucky, and it's all going to be ok. Mama's new job will be perfect for our family, and we will be gently guided to whatever comes next just like we have been before. I love you, you love me, we love Daddy, yes siree and everything is good. Tonight we'll snuggle and let you play in the tubby and buy Mama a bra that fits (curse these ever changing body parts) and then we'll kiss you goodnight. Tomorrow will come and it will be fine and everything is good.

Everything is good.

I love you to the moon and back, princess.

PS- Sorry again about the sour worms. Someday you'll have teeth and then you'll really enjoy them, I promise.


Tori and Kyson said...

Good luck Kris! It will work out okay. Trust me..I feel the exact same way you do about going back to work and having to miss things. You will find a way but, tell Pat to make sure you get those sour worms because there will be days where you will cry...at least, there have been on my end! Know that you're not alone on the crazy-crying-I-have-to-work-but-don't-want-to homefront.

Katie and Chad Metz said...

At least you have your sis to help take care of her! I'll have to do daycare if we ever have a baby and that scares me!

Liv said...

So, it sounds like you need sour worms in your lunch for tomorrow.

Make sure Paddy gets on that real quick like.

The Rookie said...

Good luck! You're in my thoughts!

Jessica said...

I so feel you! It was so hard to go back to work after BG. But you manage and make it work. My advice is to not make any long term decisions for at least a month after you start work.

I hope the new job goes well! I can't wait to hear about it. Let me know when we can get together.